


it feels so scary getting old

by reginleit



Series: ec au [5]
Category: Original Work
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-17
Updated: 2014-10-17
Packaged: 2018-02-21 12:16:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2467967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reginleit/pseuds/reginleit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>we're reeling through the midnight streets.</p><p>hs au.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. this dream isn't feeling sweet

**Author's Note:**

  * For [tantsija](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tantsija/gifts).



i.

it wouldn't be the first time someone had told her to cut her nails, and it wouldn't be the first time that addison harper ignored them. the other teenager at her side shook her head in disapproval and left her alone. good. finally, she'd get the peace she wanted. pulling her hood up, the inky blue of addison's hoodie mixed with the blue-black hair that cascaded down around her heart shaped face, a face that some would have the nerve to call pretty if it weren't for the constant bruising around her jaw. of course, the bruising was nothing compared to the green ice chips that doubled as her eyes. 

the leather jacket hastily pulled over her hoodie kept her body heat from escaping into the crisp, november afternoon. better yet, it only added to the flames of her reputation. arms crossed on the table with her chin pressing into her forearms, addison's lips quirked slightly. throw on a leather jacket and one would think you had the pox from the way people avoided you. as if clothes built a reputation. addison had built her own reputation with skinned knuckles and bloody lips, a reputation that gave her the peace of being left alone.

as the sun tried to break through the grey sky, her eyes fluttered shut. exhaustion coated her like a second skin, the result of another sleepless night spent roaming the philadelphia streets. insomnia wasn't the only thing that plagued her at the moment, as if summoned by some foul god, addison felt her stomach clench with another hunger pang. her tongue pressed against the back of her canine, pushing harshly against the enamel in the attempts to distract herself. her stomach dropped again but only as the bench she was sitting on jostled as new weight joined her at the table.

"now now, sutton." why addison tolerated the sophomore was beyond her but somehow she always managed to keep herself from ripping the brunette's hair right out of her head. despite what her instinct told her. 

"you looked so lonely over here, harper." sutton's voice drifted from her right, accompanied with a tone of exasperation. it was only due to addison's sharp hearing that she could find a trace of worry beneath her general statement. 

"did i?" addison questioned sourly. "good."

the 5'4 senior tensed when she felt sutton's gentle hands brush some of the dark hair away from addison's face. eyes still closed, the senior's fingers wrapped around the sophomore's elegant wrist, holding her skin in a tight vise. "don't."

"sorry, sorry, forgot you don't like being touched." addison didn't let sutton go when she first tried pulling away. instead, she gripped her wrist harder. 

break it.

the dark voice whispered from the back of addison's mind and damn her if she didn't consider snapping her wrist like a twig. she'd savor it that much was for sure. already addison could imagine the scene. sutton would cry out. everyone would look on her in horror. she'd relish that fear for what it would give her: control. in a mind consumed by fury and impulsiveness, addison craved control so much that she felt she would die if she didn't get it soon.

instead, addison let go and curled over her hands again, opening her eyes a second later. lyrical laughter filled the courtyard, the honeyed tones belonging to ava fox. addison fought to sigh in appreciation the moment her eyes found ava. 

the other senior girl was sitting by the fountain, one leg tucked under her pert body as her boyfriend whispered something in her ear. while addison's chest bloomed everytime ava was around, it was only followed by a tightening feeling the moment she saw luca. 

"hate him." she slurred, too low for sutton to hear. 

addison couldn't ever remember a time when she hadn't been in love with ava fox. from the moment addison had stepped onto the playground and set eyes on the other dark haired, blue eyed angel, it had sent a bolt of lightning into her chest. as she had kept to herself, rocking back and forth on the swings, addison had been moony eyed over ava - wishing she would notice her.

she hadn't been ashamed of being in love with her either.

from the moment she had gone home and declared her love for the other little girl, her parents had sighed at her dramatics. they'd told her she was too young to know what love was but in the darkness of her room, addison had dreamed about ava. she'd dreamed about the curve of ava's lips and the twinkling of her eyes. while addison's own eyes were too cold and green to be considered plain, they had never come close to the tranquil blue that made up ava's eyes. 

"look at me." she whispered, willing ava to look at her. "please."

ava couldn't hear her.

ii.

the news of luca and daniel graham's car accident left the school in a wake of grief. while the younger graham, daniel, had survived, it had seemed that the older graham, luca, had not. addison didn't feel any satisfaction like she had told herself she would feel. instead, she felt...nothing. the only sadness that had come to her had been the result of seeing ava fox walk the hallways with her chin up and her eyes empty. 

hovering back by the lockers, hood up once more, addison had watched the other senior walk on autopilot for days. oddly enough, addison wanted to give ava her condolences but what were condolences? they were empty words from someone who had envied luca since the very first day. 

still though, addison had wandered into luca's memorial service, lost in the crowd of students as stragglers moved up to place candles and flowers and other memorabilia by the framed photo of luca. if she had wanted to get close to ava, she would have had to fought a mob of people trying to tell ava how sorry they were. 

addison tried to say sorry, herself, but only to herself. the word "sorry" felt foreign on her tongue. "sorry" felt like ash in her mouth. 

soon enough, addison got tired of trying to fight through the crowd and went the opposite way instead. as it always was in a crowd, getting out was a lot easier than getting in as people surged to take her place. 

she became content with just wandering the dark halls of the school in the evening. eventually, she ended up back at the deserted courtyard. dead grass crunched under her feet as she shuffled toward the fountain, taking a seat on the stone. wind shot toward her, blasting her dark hair away from her face. teeth clenched, she braced under the wind, relaxing only when the gust became nothing more than a simple breeze. she sat still for a couple minutes before rifling through her pocket, pulling out a box of marlboros. tongue pressing against the roof of her mouth, she didn't hesitate in pulling out the cigarette. it took her only a second to flick the lid of her lighter, illuminating the dark courtyard with the flame. 

"don't think you're supposed to smoke in here." the smoky voice came from her right.

addison stilled.

ava fox eased out of the shadows, blue eyes hard. 

addison forced her body to ease, tilting her chin up at the other girl.

"reckon they'd rather i smoke out here than in the girl's bathroom." addison retorted, voice calm.

she could see the pink of ava's tongue as the other girl wet her lips, paused and then laughed. addison used the term laugh lightly. it didn't sound like any laugh of joy.

"point made."

addison stilled once more when ava joined her on the bench, only a few inches from her. silence filled the gap before ava broke it.

"mind if i bum one? left mine at home."

"yeah, sure." addison passed her the pack and the lighter, turning her head to watch ava light up. not that ava actually brought the cigarette to her lips. ava seemed too focused on the smoldering end, eyes going hazy. addison had seen that look before. she'd seen it on herself in the mirror.

"might hurt if you press it into the thumb but at least you know you're still around." addison supposed that she should be dissuading the girl but having been in the same position many times before, she would admit that sometimes it helped to feel actual pain. not a cutter by any means, she just knew the constant drowning in one's own head. 

"is that what you do?" ava's question was hollow.

"sometimes."

ava glanced back at the cigarette for such a time that addison actually thought she'd do it but instead, the prom queen brought the cigarette up to her lips. in some way, that made addison glad.

silence reigned once more.

"you ok?" addison's question was gruff and more personal than a stranger should ask.

"no." but ava looked her.

iii.

it became something of a habit for the two of them, one that left addison puzzled. more than a few times, she found herself sharing smoke breaks on the roof with ava fox and just sitting in silence beside the girl. it left her feeling cheery. 

nothing left her feeling as cheery as the day ava sat beside her in the courtyard. eyes closed, hood up, head on her hands on the table, addison had expected sutton to be sitting beside her but instead, the weight that pressed against her smelled more of heather and jasmine. her lips curved up as her eyes stayed close. beside her, ava adopted the same position but leaned her head against addison's shoulder. her fist only a few centimeters away from ava's uncurled, her pinky going to rub against ava's own hand. 

joy spiraled in addison's chest when ava's own fist uncurled, and her picky reached out to lock with addison's.


	2. behind every door is a fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You were always faster than me  
> I'll never catch up with you, with you  
> Oh I can feel them coming for me

iv.

ava's nose twitched when a snowflake fell on top of her forehead, the simple gesture leading addison to suddenly wish she had something stronger than a cigarette between her fingers. another snowflake trickled down from the sky, blending into the white beanie that covered ava's dark hair. beanies were something of a weakness to addison, who more times than not, found herself watching any girl into a beanie. it was a fact that ava had teased her about multiple times. from seven a.m. to now at 12 1 p.m., addison was still trying to figure out if ava had worn the beanie to taunt her. 

"sorry, what was that?" addison inquired, eyebrow arching. "you just say daniel got someone pregnant?"

"ayup." ava nodded, the thin ribbon of smoke of her cigarette curling up to the grey sky above. "charlotte rigby." 

addison couldn't put a specific picture to the name. all she got was a quiet red haired junior. the news didn't impact her so addison merely shrugged in response. "that's rough. she keeping it?"

ava nodded.

addison took that moment to try and picture daniel graham. cropped hair, bright blue eyes, a smile that wouldn't quit. that's the picture she had but it proved to be a little outdated. daniel graham was like ava fox - they both didn't really smile after luca's death. 

ava chose that moment to take addison's mind away from her thoughts by stretching, her slender arms reaching into the air as her body twisted lithely. addison's eyes followed the subtle arch of her back in the attempts to crack it. for not the first time, addison fought the urge to sigh in appreciation and she fought the urge to even wonder how she had even managed to get ava fox to consider has a friend.

they were odd.

addison knew that.

everyone was confused to why ava even bothered with the castoff addison. addison knew her nicknames ranged from mean to downright cruel, but she also had developed a reputation where no one would bother her to her face. good. let them whisper behind her back, addison didn't care. hell, she even found some of the nicknames amusing. 

then there was ava. the bohemian. the prom queen. all around genuinely liked.

yet, somehow, the two of them had gravitated toward each other and now addison couldn't help but emotionally cling to ava like a lifeline. 

it seemed like only addison could see the shadows that followed ava around. they clung to her, caressing her body in a way that addison wished to. she'd seen them since she first entered high school. she'd seen them even before luca's death. it was only after luca died that the shadows seemed to swell. maybe ava knew about them. maybe she welcomed that. but either way, addison saw the shadows in ava and wanted to introduce them to her own shadows.

addison swung a leg over the edge she sat on, straddling the roof before leaning back. the stone felt oddly comforting against her back, cold seeping in through her clothes to touch her skin. her own cigarette loosely dangling from her index and middle finger. 

"hey addy?" ava's voice was quiet. 

"yeah?"

"what do you think about me?"

"i think i might love you." addison's response was blunt, brazen. "but that could just be the k2 I smoked during lunch."

"i think i'd like that. i'd like to be loved again." ava replied.

addison opened her green eyes, shifting once more so she could look at the other girl. "i think i'll always love you, ava fox." 

her lips quirked into a smile.

v. 

"kiss me."

smoke flew from between addison's lip as she slurred to the other woman. the inside of the abandoned warehouse was foggy with smoke, the smell of weed and sex mixing with the sweat of teenagers. the THC and alcohol coursing through her veins made her braver than usual, even if her green eyes were hazy. opposite of her, ava twisted and swayed to the music, a joint between the fingers of her raised right hand. 

"no, no, addison harper. you wanna kiss me? you gotta give me something first." ava's free hand slid up through her own hair. "give and take, baby. give and take." 

"i'll give you whatever." the strobe lights glinted off the silver arrow necklace around addison's neck. "howl with me, fox. unless you're too scared too."

"scared?" ava's eyes grew thoughtful of the challenge. "not scared of a single fuckin' thing."

"liar." addison laughed, lunging for the joint and snatching it from ava's hand. she stepped forward, body fitting snugly against ava's. despite being shorter than ava, addison felt more in control than ever. slipping the end between her lips, her tongue darted out to taste the paper before sucking in. addison's chest rose as she inhaled, holding her breath for a second before removing the joint from between her lips, exhaling the cloud directly into ava's face. ava's face relaxed into momentary bliss.

"that all you got, harper? c'mon now."

pride inflating, addison took another hit of the joint but didn't expel it right away. instead, she leaned forward, her mouth inches away from ava's before she finally exhaled the cloud, the smoke traveling into ava's mouth. ava's face relaxed into momentary bliss.

"again." she stated.

"that enough for you, fox? give and take, baby. give and take." addison threw the words back at her, green eyes glinting with cruel joy as her lips curled into a toothy grin.

the growl ava fox gave her was all wolf.

"just a kiss, ava." addison's voice shifted away from breathy, deepening into a husky rasp. her eyes dropped to the bow of ava's lip.

"only a kiss." ava warned.

"that's all i want." addison replied.

ava dipped her dark head, her hair falling forward from behind her ears to curtain the two of them in glossy, impenetrable black. for a moment, addison panicked. this was the moment she'd been waiting for, for as long as she could remember. her heart beat a staccato rhythm in her chest. 

"ava." once again, addison said her name but it was more of a prayer than any sort of plea. 

"addison." ava responded, reaching out to tuck a hank of hair behind addison's ear. 

"please just kiss me." addison responded, quietly now. she suddenly felt sober. "kiss me or kill me, one of the two."

"i can't kill you." ava mused. "so it seems i must kiss you."

if only ava knew that kissing addison would be killing her. instinctively, addison's tongue darted out to wet her lips in anticipation. 

"so pretty." ava murmured, dipping her head even closer to where addison could feel her breath on her lips. 

"never pretty." addison vowed.

"to me that's beautiful." ava's mouth descended and captured addison's lips. addison could taste the uv blue on her lips but it only made her desire more. the bow of ava's mouth fit perfectly against her lips, something made more apparent to her as she deepened the kiss. addison dropped the joint, choosing to instead slid up to cup ava's cheek in her hand. as ava's tongue flicked out to rub against addison's bottom lip, a tan hand burying itself in addison's hair.

i love you, addison vowed to herself. i'm always going to love you.

ava pulled back a moment later, eyes questioning as she inhaled the air. addison swore that ava consumed her heart in that kiss. addison stared at her, lips pressed together. what did one say in that situation? addison had fucked and forgotten more people than she could remember but she desperately refused to forget ava. 

ava's eyes dropped to the ground before returning to addison's face, eyes hardening before she turned and left the hazy room.

addison charged after her. 

cold december air slapped addison in the face when she followed ava outside. 

"leave me alone, addison." ava spoke before addison could even form a coherent thought, voice hollow.

"ava, just stop for a moment." addison retorted, eyes burning a hole in the back of ava's head. 

"no, i won't. fuck you!" ava still didn't turn to look at her.

"yeah! fuck me!" addison lunged to grab ava's arm, yanking the girl to a stop and darting in front of her to look her in the face. "fuck me and fuck you. there? you happy?"

"go to hell." ava hissed.

"you think i want this?" she did. "look, this is new to me too." it wasn't. 

"but would it really be so bad?" addison asked, eyes searching ava's face. her voice hitched. "would it be so bad to look at me and love me back? to really love me?"

"yes." ava sounded tired, but addison couldn't empathize for her as the other girl turned away and walked away from addison, leaving the senior with her broken heart in her hand.

vi.

addison spiraled hard.

drugs, drinking, sex, anything she did to numb the fact that ava wouldn't look at her. school only became a minor nuisance. even when she sat in the administration office, ignoring the glares her parents were giving her as her principal explained to her parents that addison was repeatedly skipping class, smoking in the girl's bathroom, fighting, and that there was a possibility she wouldn't even graduate with her class. all addison had wanted to do at that moment was light up and disappear in a haze of the high.

sometimes at night, she even stopped coming home, preferring to wander the streets once more. 

more than once, she walked into Emerald Cove High with bruises on her face, blood on her knuckles and split lips. why she was doing this to herself, she didn't know but perhaps it had to do with the pain and concern in ava's face whenever the other girl saw addison in such a state. 

good, she told herself, she wanted ava to hurt.

it was a lie that taste bitter on her tongue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> part 3 comes on monday ok


End file.
